A couple of months ago a friend in endurance cycling died. His name was Scott Luikart. His cycling niche was 24 hour time trials. Like me he came late to cycling, maybe, in the beginning just to add a little exercise to his life. And like me, it became, to use the word kindly, an obsession. And he was so good, doing well over 400 miles in a number of races. But was it ever, or could it ever be enough. We seek happiness outside of ourselves, in our accomplishments, in love, acceptance, praise, the list goes on. We stand on the top step of a podium only for a minute, and then it is gone, and left is that same hollow feeling. When will I feel as though I've done enough. When will someone truly notice.
Scott, apparently suffered from depression, often un-medicated. I don't know if he took his own life, but if he did, I understand. He was over 50, improving as a cyclist, but physically slowing down a little bit each year. And I know, it's just a bike race. And life too is just a slow motion race. I know. Yet the feelings of longing, and regret persist. Sadness sets in when you think that I've done the best things that I'm going to do, and now I wait. Wait for one more door to open.
Twent-two of our veterans kill themselves each day. Take a moment for that number to sink in. It chokes me up to think of the suffering that they experienced in those last days.
So for all of us who have thoughts like: "Couldn't I have just not done that?" or "Is there supposed to be something more?" or "God couldn't I have been a little better?"- all thoughts from our childhood representative of our misplaced
core beliefs about ourself, here is a video from a guitarist who I would choose to watch over any that I have ever seen- Gary Moore, past his prime as a performer, the voice gone, no longer to young lion, but oh how he could play. This is his last gig.